Sometimes our conclusions about things that happen are irrational. For example, we didn’t have just one child because we only wanted one child. We would love to have had more children! At the time, we discussed all our options, such as medical intervention and adoption. Very personal choices were made, choices that were sensible for us, but in the end, we didn’t have more children.
Irrational as they may seem now, I battled many emotions during those years, feelings that defied reason. I thought God was mad at me. “I must be a terrible mother, and God doesn't trust me with more children,” echoed in my mind almost daily. Did I say irrational? Yes! But, these painful fears swallowed rationality. I was convinced I didn’t have more babies, because I was such a bad mother. If you know me at all, you know how absurd that is, but it’s the conclusion I came to. It was the wrong conclusion!
I call that to mind now, because my mind can be just as irrational in explaining why she died. It’s so easy to find fault. It’s so easy to think of all the whys that implicate God, myself, or anyone else, for that matter. But, after walking those dark mental alleys, I remember how easy it is to be led by irrational feelings and come to wrong conclusions.
If there's one thing I learned from my emotional struggles with infertility, it's this. Feelings aren't a trustworthy source and are apt to lead us astray. It's like building a house on sand to base a conclusion on feelings. It wasn't because I was a bad mother that we didn't have more children. And, it's not because I was a bad mother that my daughter died. Neither is it God who prevented me from having more babies, nor did He "take" her for undisclosed reasons. These are examples of irrational and wrong conclusions!
Sara Faith Nelson
Sharing the journey, because, I find there are so many others making the trek through life without a loved one