The bottom dropped out of my life the day Jeanette went to heaven. I cannot adequately describe the tailspin it threw me into. Everything that made sense about myself and my life torn away, ripped from my heart, in the space of an hour's time. How can anyone adequately express in words the devastation left in the wake of such loss?
It's not as if I planned a calendar year of wearing mourning clothes like they used to do in the old days; yet it's taken a little more than a year for me to resurface from the depths of grief. I'm beginning --just beginning-- to reemerge and find myself again. The struggle is like clawing my way up a cliff after having fallen off the edge. Keep that image in mind.
Who am I if I'm not Jeanette's mom? Yes, she was grown up, but with an only child, the umbilical cord is never really cut. Seriously, mothers! Isn't this the way it is with our children? Isn't this why we say they'll always be our babies long after they've grown and left home? What bond is stronger than between a mother and child? As an only child, my life revolved around her. She was the center of my universe. Without her, who am I? What is my life without her? It's as if my life exploded like a star going nova (figuratively) and is now beginning to coalesce into a new shape and form. Loss of identity. Loss of my center of gravity. Everything in my life thrown into chaos. Where do I find identity? Where do I find meaning and purpose? Thank God for being my anchor and my strong tower through it all! If not for Him, I would not have survived this cataclysm in my life!
Even though, make no mistake, I still grieve, and the mourning process continues, I'm putting off the sackcloth and ashes of the preceding year. I'm looking around and taking stock of where I am now. I'm at the brink of massive overhaul. If my life no longer revolves around Jeanette, what is my new center of gravity? Where do I go from here?
I've climbed my way back up to the top of the cliff, and I now sit on the edge of the precipice peering into the distance at foggy peaks and valleys. The glow of a dawning sun paints the heavens and world around me. I hear a song rising on the freshness of a new wind. I will find my new identity, new meaning, and new purpose by journeying onward. Life goes on.
Sara Faith Nelson
Sharing the journey, because, I find there are so many others making the trek through life without a loved one