This week we will come to the 6-month mark. It feels much longer, like looking through the wrong end of a telescope. I'm aware that a profound transition has taken place, from the first days after her death, and the haze that surrounded us, to today when I am able to look at her picture and not shake my head in utter disbelief.
The reality of what happened is undeniable. And yet, there's been such an odd sense of unreality. It's like some sort of sci-fi disruption in the space-time continuum. (Star Trek fans, anyone?) It's like my reality out of sync with real reality. It's like my life out of kilter or in some sort of weird juxtaposition from what it should be. Try as I might these past months, I could not get things to come back into alignment.
I think my brain and my heart--physical organs in my body--have finally caught up to the reality of what happened. This explains the transition I've experienced. My physical body struggled to come to terms with the reality of my mind and soul. Science supports this theory. Grief is a very physical thing, not just emotional, and coming to terms with our new reality is more than just a mental process.
As we approach 6 months, my husband and I have both been experiencing more emotions. Tears come easily. Her absence in our lives is such a huge chasm. We miss her so much! And yet, in another odd, unexplainable way, at the same time, it's somehow getting easier. I think it's because we're no longer struggling with reality. That's one battle we're not fighting anymore. So now, it's easier to acknowledge our feelings, shed our tears as needed, and then go on. It still hurts. It hurts like crazy! But, we can keep going, keep moving forward. We're not stuck.
At the 6-month point, we know life does go on. We keep putting one foot in front of the other, trudging along on this journey. What other choice do we have? The option to give up is not an option. I want Jeanette to be proud of us and how we handled this blow. I want her to know we took the hardest hit we could possibly take, and even though it knocked us down, it didn't keep us down. She was a gift to us. Getting up and going on is our gift to her.
Sara Faith Nelson
Sharing the journey, because, I find there are so many others making the trek through life without a loved one