Genesis 32 contains an interesting story of Jacob wrestling with God, refusing to stop or let go until God blesses him. While I've never fully comprehended what that story is about, I admit to having some wrestling matches with God lately. Not just wrestling with God, but wrestling with myself, and wrestling with fear, doubt, guilt, anger, depression, and more than anything, wrestling with the big, big questions. You know the ones I mean. Sometimes I wrestle in the wee hours of the morning, and I won't give up, and I won't relent until resolution comes.
People often marveled at the close relationship Jeanette and I had. More like sisters. More like best friends. And, yet mother and daughter. Our relationship was uniquely ours. It truly was blessed. But, most people were never aware of how our relationship was forged. Back in the day of Jeanette's early teen years, we fought like you wouldn't believe! We clashed and locked wills almost daily it seemed.
I grew up in a family where disagreements and clashes were hardly ever resolved. Flared anger one day was ignored the next as if it never happened. This lack of resolution was very disconcerting to me, so I determined in raising my child, I'd persist in working things out no matter what. During those teen years of clashing wills, I doggedly followed through with my insistence that we would settle things right then. I remember times when Jeanette would be lying on her bed, facing the wall, her back to me. I'd be standing in the doorway of her room, leaning against the doorframe, arms folded, tension, anger, and frustration thick between us. A stand off of wills, neither of us speaking, but I refused to leave until the silence was broken. Struggling to find the words at last, after awhile I'd end up sitting on the edge of her bed, and we'd tearfully, and then with laughter, sort through the issue between us. We wrestled our way to resolution.
These days my wrestling matches with God, with myself, with painful emotions, and the big, big questions are mostly carried out on paper. I write. I wrestle. I fight. And, I won't quit until resolution comes. Just like people marveled at the good relationship Jeanette and I had, but didn't see the wrestling matches that forged the relationship, people also marvel at how I'm walking through this loss with grace, but they don't see the wrestling matches I have in the watches of the night.
Sometimes I think people are waiting for my breakdown. How long before I completely lose it? One of these days, I'm going to completely cave, they think. Well, I don't know what's ahead of me in this journey of grief, but I do know this. I wrestle my way to resolution each and every day. I don't quit, and I don't give up until I'm satisfied. I don't want to speak too brashly about a future I don't yet see, but I will speak boldly in faith that I see more breakthrough than breakdown ahead. Who knew I was such a fighter? God did! He knew I'd wrestle till I receive a blessing.
Sara Faith Nelson
Sharing the journey, because, I find there are so many others making the trek through life without a loved one