Convalesce: to recover health and strength; to make progress toward recovery; to begin to grow strong; especially, by resting.
All the books say, and everyone who’s walked this journey has told me, grief is not something you “get over.” You will learn to adjust and cope, but you’ll never wake up one morning and suddenly be over it. I know that, but…
I want to be over it! I want to move on! I want my life to be normal again! I just want my upside-down world to turn right-side-up again! I want it so bad, every day I fight to make everything right again. I fight to turn the world right-side-up again! But… I. CAN’T. FIX. IT.
Last year at this time, I fought the raw pain of grief and loss. It was fresh pain. I wondered sometimes how I’d ever live through it. This year, I thought it would be different, and it is. The pain is not so ragged. It’s more like a constant dull ache. But, I still can’t seem to get past it, and move on, and get on with my life. Shouldn't I be able to?
There’s that “should,” as in, I should be getting over it by now. I know all the books tell me not to think that. ALL the advice for grieving people says there’s no time limit and no “right” or “wrong” measure for grief. In fact, it’s been said, the deeper the love, the deeper the grief. One year to grieve over the loss of my only child is not nearly enough, by any standard! So, why do I think I should be over it? Am I, perhaps, being too hard on myself?
It's so obvious that sometimes I neglect to acknowledge, I am recovering from a major trauma in my life. In many ways I have made progress. I really have come a long way, even if I’m not where I think I should be. So, today I'm giving notice. I'm dropping out of the battle over shoulds. I should be... I should do... I should, should should... No more shoulds!
One of the hardest things to do while convalescing is to rest. That doesn't mean do nothing. It does mean cease striving! Stop fighting! Resting is difficult because it requires acceptance of things I don't want to accept. Life is different now. It takes time to learn to live with the differences. Resting is accepting change without stressing over shoulds. Resting is accepting where I am on the path of grief, and accepting that I'm doing the best I can.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sara Faith Nelson
Sharing the journey, because, I find there are so many others making the trek through life without a loved one