I sensed it more than felt it. In spite of all my attempts to gloss over it, I knew it would have to surface eventually. Anger is unpleasant, uncomfortable, ugly. I don’t like being angry. I don’t like feeling anger. I don’t even want to acknowledge it in my repertoire of emotions. But, there it was.
Alone, in her room, I let the dam burst. I raged. I yelled. I said exactly what I was thinking. It wasn’t pretty.
After the fury subsided, I allowed God’s great love and mercy to flow like fresh clean water over the wounds. Meditating on his forgiveness, I forgave. I grappled with it, yes. My anger included being anger with myself. I am hardest on myself and hardest to forgive. But, after all was said and done, peace came and bathed my heart.
If you’ve ever had a painful wound cleaned, and medicated, and bandaged, that’s what it was like. The cleaning process is yucky and nasty. It’s no fun. It hurts! But afterwards, it feels so much better!
It’s true what they say. Anger has a place in grief. It’s one of the more unpleasant sides of grief. But, it has to be expressed, no matter how ugly it is. Finding a safe place and means of expression is the key. In the privacy of her room, with no one around to hear, was the ideal place for me to let it all out.
Venting anger is not complete without closure. Venting cleans the wound. Forgiveness medicates the wound. For bandaging the wound, I went to a close friend afterwards, and we talked about my feelings. More tears. But, then she comforted me. At that point, I needed a person to hold my hand, and hug me, and comfort me as only a friend can.
Grief is a complex mixture of many things. Anger is part of the mix. I’ve learned these feelings, unpleasant as they may be to confront, must be faced in order to heal. Healing is the destination of this journey.
Sara Faith Nelson
Sharing the journey, because, I find there are so many others making the trek through life without a loved one